MARRIAGE THE IGBO WAY 

By

 

Utibe Uko

 

[culled from: THISDAY of Friday, July 26, 2002.]

 

 

The Igbos are an ethnic nationality found in the Niger Delta, on both the eastern and western banks of the river Niger. Utibe Uko writes on the Igbo beliefs and concept of courtship and marriage

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Inu nwunye (marriage) has a foremost place in Igbo social economy. It looms upon the horizon of every maid and youth as an indispensable obligation to be fulfilled with as little delay as possible after reaching the age of puberty. Since the Igbo are a patriarchal people, marriage is deemed an indispensable factor for the continuation of the family line of descent since children
occupy the central point in Igbo marriage. The first and foremost consideration is the fertility of the couple. Parents long for this and the father of the family requests this every morning in his kolanut prayer. The mother begs for it while giving cult to her Chi during annual festival. In
other words, if you ask the ordinary Igbo man or woman why he desires to marry, the spontaneous answer will be: "I want to marry in order to beget my own children, to get a family like my parents".

This love for having children is manifested in Igbo names. Take a few typical names like Nwabu-uwa - 'a child is all the world to me'. This name exposes the Igbo man's sentiment and the high-water mark of his ambitions. Other things in life rank second to this desire. Then there are names equally very expressive Nwakasi, 'a child is priceless, most precious'; Nwaka-aku or Nwakego, 'a child out-values all money, all wealth; Nwadi-aguu, 'a child is desirable, man is
literally famished with the hunger for children'. Men and women are mocked if they remained unmarried. 'A childless woman is regarded as a monstrosity. This idea is still present in. the Igbo society today. A childless marriage is universally recognised as chi ojoo. A childless marriage is a source of serious disappointment and sooner or later, leads to trouble between man and wife. The position of a wife in her husband's family remains shaky and unpredictable until she begets a child. She becomes really secure after the birth of a male child. At this stage she is especially welcome as a responsible housewife in her husband's extended family and Umunna. In fact the birth of the child gives her the title of wife, before this time she may be said to be a wife only in anticipation.

 

The fate of a sterile woman is a very hard one indeed. Not uncommonly she is made the object of conversation and ridicule by some of her female neighbours. If an occasion for a quarrel arises, she gets the most painful telling off. Her women rivals would call her Mgbaliga,
Nwanyi-iga; the sterile woman, the barren one sterile monster who has her maternal organs for mere decoration. Women in this category of childlessness, never get tired of going to the Dibia - native doctors who sometimes can only give a psychological help. They dispose the woman well to take her 'accursed fate' with resignation. She is condemned to a diet of medicinal roots and
herbs. In the far distant past childlessness was considered an irrevocable scourge and caused much despair. This is understandable since the fundamental causes were not and could not have been known by the Dibia, ill-equipped as they were

Not frequently, a child is born to a woman after much anguish and long years of waiting. In her joy and gratitude she may name the child Chukwuemeka; God has been very generous towards me. On the other hand, she is now a proud mother. Her reproach among men has been-removed. The child is a practical vindication of her womanhood. As an answer to her critics, this child may
be called Ekwutosi (Ekwutozina Chukwu); cease your criticising God; or Beatokwu
(Benata-okwu); lessen now your loud-mouthed criticism.

What does Igbo custom or tradition call marriage? For the ordinary Igbo, marriage is the lawful living together of man and woman of different families for the purpose of begetting children after some rites have been performed. It is regarded as a mile-stone in the life of a man and a woman, which will enable them to immortalise their remembrance through their children. They regard consent as the most important element.

Love and Courtship in Igbo Marriage

In the pasts young men and young women associated occasionally. "Company keeping' and going steady" as a prelude to marriage among Europeans and Americans were unknown. During feasts and dances, women had their group while the young men also kept to their own group. The practice of a boy marching up and down the town with a girl did not exist. This however does not mean that the two groups live in two different worlds or that they were like parallel lines that never meet. On several occasions they will meet and talk freely. Moreover, none of them ever grow up in a ghetto since, each village usually farmed in a common land, fetched water from the game stream frequented the same market and played on the same play-ground. In Africa, the traditional way of life is intensely personal; one eats and drinks, talks and works and plays and hunts and perhaps fights alongside the same set of people. This constant succession of face-to-face relationship covering all the activities of living gives to tribal life a special quality and makes the rules governing the formal relationships between people particularly important. Nowhere is this more true than in the case of marriage.

 

Before marriage, a young man who loves a girl would speak to his parents about her. The parents will examine not only her physical beauty, but also her physical, mental and moral fitness, then her resourcefulness, graceful temper, smartness and general ability to work well. Her parental background must also be investigated. Parents inquire very meticulously vices like murder; theft, lying, obstinacy disobedience, wanton violence and other undesirable qualities could be introduced into their family. If the girl's mother is known to have been lazy, idle, gossipy, quarrelsome, way-ward, and insubordinate to her husband, it may be concluded that the daughter would have these vices. This conclusion is based, for what it is worth, on the assertion that daughters usually take after their mothers. "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his". It is necessary to note that the inquiry is done by both parties - that is, the family of the prospective bride and the prospective groom.

Once the inquiries have been satisfactorily completed, the two families now look forward to the settlement of the bride-wealth. The details differ but here is what is looked at the common practices among the Igbos on both sides of the River Niger. Young people about to marry, may exchange visits, which are regulated by custom and supervised by the parents/guardian of either
party. This is for them the occasion to know more and be more interested in each other. The word 'Love' according to the European interpretation is not found in the Igbo vocabulary". The nearest approach to the idea is ifuna-anya - to look in the eye in a favourable manner". The word “Love” does not exist in the Igbo language. Love, then, usually has no part to play in native courtship. Among the Igbos, the period of courtship comprises the first meeting, other meetings of the two people concerned, the mutual inquiries conducted by both extended families and the state of friendship leading into the actual celebration of the marriage. If 'Love' means mere sentimental or emotional feeling which sooner or later ebbs away with time, or the number
of years of living together, then it may be right to say that the Igbo husband and wife do not love each other.

 

For the Igbo, love is much deeper, more important than the emotional feigns. For -them love is not merely motivated by physical beauty. They accept completely the saying that: "Marriage is, the happiest bond of love might be, if hearts were only joined, when hearts agree". Love is the sum total of the physical, psychological, economical, social and moral attraction, which exercises a magnetic influence on the young man and the young lady, on the one hand, and on their extended families on the other. Their attraction as we see here is not merely physical. There is in their love mutual trust, confidence and mutual self-giving. Each feels proud of and satisfied with having the other as partner in the difficult but noble task of raising a family. This is what the Igbos of the past and today generally understands by "ifuna-anya".

Since the people live their lives together and since families are closely knit, courtship is not a private affair. The family of the young man invites the girl several times to stay a native week stretch with them. During this time, she studies the man and his family while they in their turn observe and admire her ways.

The Young Man Before Marriage

It is therefore evident that the Igbo does not step into marriage without preparation. It is a step, which must be taken with the eyes wide open. What should he know and how should he behave himself when he has grown to the age of marriage? As soon as a boy comes to the age of reason, he undergoes a civic juvenile test by which he is initiated into the juju cult by iba nammuo -the
walk to the spirit land. By this ceremony he is initiated into the secrets of egwugwu and told of ana-be-mmuo. These are secrets, which, he can never reveal to anyone of the female sex nor to the yet uninitiated of his own sex. This is an age-old ordeal meant to test the psychological balance and the sense of responsibility of the boy. Any young man who revealed these secrets was counted a big disgrace to his family. In the past he would either be killed or sold into slavery to a distant town. He has to prove his worth. As the adolescent waxed into an adult man, he must now build his own separate hut in his father's compound. He has his own weapons, farm implements and a barn....

It was time to distinguish oneself in competitive activities like wrestling, dancing, fighting, work and skill, especially when girls were among the spectators. What has been described in the last several sentences belong to the past rather than to the present. All the different cultures have the
following qualities in common: dynamism and susceptibility to change. Consequently what is described here is no longer completely true today. Western culture has been so mixed with Igbo native culture, that some old customs are no longer accepted, while some are accepted only in a diluted form in many towns. The change is very rapid but somehow unfelt by the younger
generation.

The Girl Before Marriage

In discussing the issues of love and courtship, inquiries are made by both parties to the proposed marriage. If the results are unsatisfactory, the marriage is dropped. About the girl before marriage, by the time they are nine or ten, they are regularly employed in fetching supplies of water. They take part daily in such duties as the sweeping of the compound, the rubbing of
the house, the collection of firewood and the preparation of food. Soon after daylight the women folk leave the house in order to bring in the morning supply of water. On market days, practically the whole female population move to the market place either to trade or to enjoy the general entertainment such gatherings afford... "From the age of four and five, the women are taught
to balance tiny pots of water on their heads so that they have a stately carriage. The job that takes precedence over all others is the visit with the waterpot to the stream or spring....". This is the initiation of the girl into household duties and her success in this field counts very much in winning her a suitable husband. The way she went about her duties will recommend her as a suitable and capable housewife. Her family background and the character of the mother have a lot to add or subtract as the case may be. Since in the past, practically all girls were meant for marriage, parents usually trained their daughters as future house-wives. They have their age-grades and dance groups.

All these are equally of "the village beauties take particular pains to attract the attention of eligible young men and do not hesitate to advertise their personal charms. On gala days, every available ornament is brought into requisition. The girls revel in dancing and seize every opportunity of displaying their charms". Some Igbo girls add poise to their erectness by
deliberately walking upright and chest-out. This is the time for silent but vigorous campaign for a good husband. This ambition glows fervently inside every girl and restlessly demands an urgent satisfaction before the teeming full and pointing breasts sag and bow to age. In the Igbo culture, there were many important customs linked with marriage.

 

One of these important customs included the traditional bringing of the kola-nut and palmwine to the engagement meeting of the boy's and girl's families. The boy and his family would go to the house of the girl and present these two items. It is a long-standing tradition to bring them. The kola-nuts are the highest symbol of Igbo hospitality. It has three steps to its eating. First, is the presentation of the kola-nut. Second is the breaking of the nut, which is done by the eldest man of the family. And third, the man then passes it around for the other men in the family. After it is passed, the man then says a prayer for the new couple and for their happiness. The palmwine is drank with the kola-nut. When the kola-nut and the palmwine are taken together, they represent unity and good faith.

In the choice of a wife, the Igbo gives preference to a girl with long thin limbs which are regarded as signs of fast growth and hugeness later on in married life. Whereas ideas of female beauty vary from people to people, the horror of disease or of physical deformity can be said to be universal. Also among the Igbos in the past, a prospective wife was set aside in a hut and
fed and instructed without much exercise until she was well prepared physically and psychologically to assume the role of house wife and after a short time, that of a mother. This practice which no longer exists today, was referred to ino na nkpu or npu -returning to the fattening house.

As a general rule, fat young girls with stout brawny joined limbs (called ukwu nchi - grasscutters short legs) are not ranked among the beautiful according to Igbo standards. This is because such usually scarcely ever added an inch to their low stature later- in married life. A huge woman (not necessarily a fat one) is the choice of most people. This has many obvious advantages, for not
only that she commands respect and is the pride of her husband, also she will be able to do farm work and in childbearing, she would generate her kind. Furthermore, it has an added social advantage. Such a woman because of her size is easily recognisable in the assembly of women. Given the average skill and intelligence she usually becomes the leader of her dance-group or the
president of the women's council.

 

Kinds of Traditional Igbo Marriage-

Monogamy

Monogamy is the form of marriage prevalent among civilised nations whose social structures are based on the Greco-Roman tradition and Christian religion. Primitive food collectors, for economic reasons were usually limited to one wife. Advanced nations of Europe and America, and the places influenced by European civilisation are for social and economic reasons also
monogamous.

The pygmies of the Congo basin and those of Asia, the Adamanese Islanders, the Aeta of the Philippines, the Kubu of Sumatra, and the Semang of Malaya also have this practice of monogyny. What is said about the above mentioned peoples can apply to the Igbo, for although polygamy is practised, yet monogamy is the common type of marriage.

In the Igbo society, polygamy is not merely tolerated, it is encouraged and accepted, still monogamous marriages very greatly outnumber polygamous ones. Among the Igbo, a father accepts responsibility for all his wife's children throughout his life. This makes the choice of a wife and the recognition of marriage an important matter for the community.

The normal age is 25-28 for the man and from 14 to 18 for the girl. In some parts of Igbo land, child-marriage ldo-nkwu nwanyi, igudo-nwanyi – bringing bride wine, staking bride claim, was practised. Rich parents often select a wife (or wives) for a son, while he is still a boy, he probably having no knowledge of the transaction. This method of acquiring a wife is known as
Nwunye-nwa-madu. It is a way of displaying well-to-do parentage. However this is rather very rare. The normal procedure is that the young man chooses a wife himself, though it may sometimes happen that a father will make the selection and then quietly disclose his choice to his son. This is not in any case imposed on him, since his father, mother or guardian or whoever else makes the choice or pays the bride wealth for him may be regarded as his benefactors. He can reject the choice but in most cases he does not, for he trusts his father's expert experience in this field.

 

It is commonly accepted that the older people are more sober in choosing marriage partner. There is a good point in this, since eiders have had experience of marriage, and known cases
of successful and unsuccessful marriages, they are in a better position to detect the qualities in a prospective housewife. We are still in the realm of monogamy and it may be important to point out that usually al1 marriages begin as monogamy but many end up as polygamous. This is because it does happen that the young man on growing up may take more wives according to his means and the circumstances in which he finds himself. The childlessness of the first wife
is not the only reason. In fact there are many, as we shall see shortly ahead.

Woman - to - Woman Marriage

This may be described as the situation whereby a sterile woman tries to render her supreme service to society, thereby strengthening her position as a useful and responsible member of her husband's family. She pays for a new life on behalf of her husband, or she provides him with the necessary funds for a new marriage, with a view to raising children for her husband by proxy as we may put it. The fact that the bride price and other customary dues were paid by a woman is immaterial. After all, many mothers make these payments for and on behalf of their sons of any age; so do fathers, guardians and maternal uncles".

Ghost marriage

It consists in a woman being married to the name of a man who died unmarried so that his line need not die out. Consequently, children born of this marriage should bear the name of this unmarried dead man.

Nwunye Nhachi: ldegbe, Arewah

When a man dies without a male issue, one of his daughters stays back, selects lovers with whom she cohabits to beget children on behalf of her dead father This institution also existed among the Western Igbo where it was called Idegbe, and among the Edo-Speaking people who called it Arewa or Arhewa. The children, thus raised, would succeed to her father's property. Of course
here the very idea of Idegbe precludes marriage, so that there could be no doubts regarding the affiliation of any children born to the woman in question. One important remark is in place here. In different localities in lgboland in the past as well as today, marriages are contracted in a multiplicity of ways regarding preliminary procedures, marriage ceremonies and even the final
act (inductio in domum). However the end product, the resulting marriage as an institution is the same in kind and legal incidents. In the Igbo community today, there are two kinds of marriage monogamy and polygyny, of which monogamy is the prevalent form.

Polygamy

The Igbo social order is patriarchal Marriage is both monogamous and polygynous. In the past, polygamy was rather encouraged and supported while today the support is at least tacit or implied since society still accepts it as a lawful form of marriage.

 

Reasons for Igbo Polygamy: "As far as polygamy is concerned, there are various reasons why a man may want to possess more than one wife: among many peoples, a man must refrain from intercourse with a woman who is pregnant or nursing; among savages, women age early and lose their attraction for men; many men like change.

Quite often, the barrenness of the first wife leads to taking a second, in conditions namely, where great value is placed on posterity".

Among the Igbos, polygamy is adopted for economic and social, and for sexual reasons. In the past, it was the normal ambition of every family-head, to continue to add to the number of his wives throughout his life. The man needed many hands so as to cope with the work in his farms. Women themselves are generally very good at farm work. A wife does not only help but within some few years, her children will join the team. Love for having children is another dynamic factor that leads to polygamy among the Igbo people. Children are a great asset, and so every marriage has procreation as its raison d'etre.