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Orji Uzor Kalu: Return of the praise-singer
New Jersey, USA
Thursday, September 25, 2003
"Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu, akpiri ego-o, Orji Uzor wee ree anyi! Who is the croaky crooner disturbing my peace?!
"Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu, Orji Uzor aputa n’uzo ree nwanne! Oh my God, it’s you: Praise-singer Numero Uno of His Excellency, Chief (Dr.) Orji Uzor Kalu! You Mmirimaransi I of his village! Otimkpu I of Abia Slate! Here we go flip-flopping like Egg McMuffin on a hot tray!
"Gini ka anyi ga-eme ya, Umubiafra; gini ka anyi ga-eme….! Don’t even expect me to sympathize with you. Just two years ago, he was your modern messiah; today, kill him, kill him. Bia, ka m jukwaa unu: Tigbuo ya, tigbuo ya, Orji Uzor Kalu o mere unu gini?
"Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu, Orji Uzor aputa n’uzo ree nwanne! Look at yourself! Didn’t I warn you that the music will change on your way back from the warfront? Remember the unprintable names you called me? I was the “permanent head damage” pulling him down… P.H.D., Ph.D., remember?
My friend, don’t be silly. This is a serious matter. This Orji Uzor character has impugned our race; he must pay for it. Oh yeah? And how are you going to achieve the impossible?
Do not for one day underestimate Ndiigbo. I do not underestimate any nation. Here we are talking of freedom of expression. The man said something, and everyone is jumping up. Now, other so-called leaders are going to shut up for fear of this sort of lackadaisical lampooning.
You have not heard nor seen a thing; we shall deal with this man as we deal with saboteurs! Blah blah blah! What happened to others before him? Okay, Ifeajuna and company paid with their dear lives. That was different. Many more have sold out since then and lived to enjoy their 30 pieces of silver. Don’t you know that as the mother-goat chews her cord, the kid learns?
This one is different: Someone has just desecrated something Ndiigbo hold dear. And he must pay dearly. In fact, Kalu of Igboere has sold Igbo. He has murdered sleep; he shall sleep no more! My brother, Governor Kalu is not the problem. Your problems are very simple. You just cannot handle the truth. If I can speak freely, I will tell you the truth.
Try me. First of all, Kalu is not a creation of Ndiigbo.
Are you questioning his parentage, just as he questioned Ojo Maduekwe's? There you go again with tittle-tattle. No, I am not questioning anyone’s parentage; not yours, not mine.
Excuse me! May I proceed?
Go ahead. When he sounded Igbo-ish, everyone jumped on board. Remember January 19, 2001? #Orji Uzor ka anyi ga-eso; ma o na-eje eje ma o na-ana ana, Orji Uzor ka anyi ga-eso." #PDP? Power! Power? To the People! Orji Uzor Kalu? Ebe anyi no! Orji Kalu? OK!#"
Tufiakwa, I can never utter those words ever again! Nzogbu nzogbu, ebe anyi no! Zogbue nwoke, zogbue nwaanyi… Enyimba enyi! Here we go again. This was exactly what you sang when Orji Uzor wanted Ojo Maduekwe lynched. You were in the forefront. Ojo told Ndiigbo not to trust Orji Uzor; he said the path Ndiigbo were headed led to a dead-end alley. On Orji Uzor Kalu’s say-so, you called for his head. Ojo wilted like un-watered, week-old bunch of roses in an African market stall. See what happens when the minority voice is silenced?
Forget about Ojo for today. That one is past tense. Good. Now, you recall that I had said something about Ndiigbo being like baby geese; the first thing with coordinated movement they see, they follow. So when Orji Uzor Kalu surfaced in Enugu from a special meeting with Alhajis Shehu Shagari and Umaru Dikko, and exhibited some coordinated verbal exhaust emissions, every jumped on board. Elders were insulted and called “errand boys.” Those who called for correction in the Ojo-idiotic “Igbo presidency” project were labeled, lambasted, lampooned, and laundered.... laid out like lousy laundry to dry.
And the rest is history! Thank you, my brother. You know why? No one knew where Ndiigbo were headed. Just as it was when Odumegwu-Ojukwu first appeared on the scene. Today, the Igbo nation is reeling from another baby-geese syndrome, following the debacle of demoncrazy 2003. Someone was going to carry the can. Orji Uzor Kalu stepped in again but with an Aba-made compass. Alas, he picked on something that is far beyond his easy reach. You gave him the flame in 2001, now in 2003 you follow him with cans of water.
And everyone is shouting at him, calling for his head. Exactly!
That’s the way to treat traitors! I disagree on both counts: on treatment and on treachery. We are too quick to label ourselves. It is wrong. Secondly, this is not the way to go about it. The Governor needs to be schooled better, but don't blame Abia State University (ABSU); he is just a... sorry, THE Visitor!
World Igbo Congress Chairman KKD called it straight, and he got it right. If Chairman Kalu Kalu Diogu had half the following of Governor Kalu and one tenth his resources and made that statement in an important Igbo gathering, he would have been crowned the new modern messiah.
And so we should! And that would be another baby-geese reaction.
And what do you suggest we do; keep quiet, kiss his feet….? Let me borrow your words from two years ago: “His Excellency, Chief (Dr.) Orji Uzo Kalu is not a saint. He is new at the game, and he is learning fast. You guys need to give him a break.” Remember: "E gbuo dike n' ogu uno, e ruo n' ogu agu e lote ya."
Tufiakwa! I shall never utter those words ever again for Orji Uzor. We are talking of a sacrilege here, my friend. “Dike” or “mpompo,” he is toast! Sacri-nonsense: Orji Uzor is in good company. Senate President Adolf Wabara opened his mouth too widely recently. Heavens did not fall. Or is that because we Ndianambra kept it decent so far? What about Hardel & Enic’s Emmanuel Iwuanyanwu and Senator Arthur Nzeribe? Governor Kalu is learning; he is yet to attain the apogee of the profession of political prostitution. He has even gone back to school. If the first child does not walk, the second one is not expected to run. Common on, bros, don’t expect me to mourn the fool who choked on a morsel of communal fufu.
Here you go again with your own cooked-up proverbs. Please let’s not delve into misguided megalomania. You do not go through undergraduate studies bearing a doctorate degree; it is like footsying for crickets while carrying the carcass of an elephant! Governor Kalu is trying to straighten his life. He now has his bachelors. He will get his masters in a year, and by the time he is ready for the VP-ship, the Ph.D. will be earned. Or, even better, ABSU will throw in a doctor of law honoris causa! If it is the MON, that too shall be muted with OFN, which all governors will get at the end of OBJ’s tenure -- if there will ever be an end to the People's Destruction Party!
You are not making any sense my friend. I know! You are wondering why this person you labeled a member of the “P.H.D. brigade of America, churners of cybertrash, and buyable boneheads” is apparently defending His Excellency Chief (Dr.) Orji Uzor Kalu, BA, the Mmirinyirienyi I of Enugu Ukwu?
Yes! Take it easy, or you might hurt your brain! Seriously, I warned you that Agaracha must come back! I told you that until we, Ndiigbo, get that code of conduct and play by the rules, we would continue to thrive in a jungle. I will not be surprised if tomorrow you are back to singing: Orji Uzor ka anyi ga-eso, ma o na-eje eje, ma o na-ana ana….
That time has passed. This one is different: Biafra is both faith and fact; it is more than religion; and it is a sacred Igbo heritage. Orji Uzor fouled it. He must pay for it, or I will lose faith in the unity of Ndiigbo. Keep deceiving yourself with knee-jerk reactions and sleeveless emotionalism; reality will soon set in. How are you going to make him pay? How many prominent persons you know care about the ashes of Biafra, let alone resurrection? Please do not play the sentimental card. Besides, the man talked about “WAR,” not Biafra. Get it?
We will make him swallow that vomit of an apology. True talk!
We will make him vomit the 9-billion naira. That’s old story; he himself volunteered that he has a 9-billion-naira war chest. I told you so two years ago. Didn't you read his honorable younger brother say they dealt in used clothing? That's a money-making machine! He said recently that he has factories in Lagos and even in Ota. No one is asking him how many Olusegun Obasanjo has in Igbere or in Umuahia. He bought a house in Kaduna after the Sharia saga; has Governor Makarfi bought one in Umuahia or Aba?
That’s what I am saying; the handshake has passed the elbow! That’s not what you are saying, my friend. You are all out to draw blood. Ndiigbo don’t know what they want. Have you heard the belated Ohanaeze response? Meeting over what! Heard the Igbo National Assembly add to it? Apology for apology, huh. We keep developing all parts of Nigeria and leave our base to rot. Go to Abuja; it shall soon become another Pitakwa -- when “indigenes” shall resurface. In Lagos, with reportedly over two million Igbo people, Bola-Chicago Tinubu could not find one to make even commissioner "ukwu mango" -- also known as 'special duties'; and no one knows if there is an Igbo councilor, forget county executive -- or is it local government chairman! Then you turn around and complain and scream “marginalization.” Everyone has adopted the chant. You now want a new approach: Apology! It is sad, and it goes to show that once you do not believe in something, you will believe anything.
And you, what do you want? Do you support his apologizing for Ndiigbo in a matter that we are the ones wronged? Hell no! Not even Kalu’s defenders defend that position. The spin doctors are simply saying it was taken out of context, even as the man himself digs deeper. I just hope his handlers would tell him to speak less, and let this one die on its own steam. He needs to learn that words are chewed before they are spit out. Who is Kalu to speak for Ndiigbo, if not for your type who egged him on from 2001?
So you are not in support of him? No; I do not support any politician. I am only saying that Ndiigbo should go to the source of the problem, not apply the fire-brigade format. We cannot have everyone speaking for Ndiigbo. No other ethnic group, big or small, has every Okeke and Okorie speaking for them. If Orji Uzor Kalu had spoken on behalf of his family, for Igbere, or even for Abia State where he governs, we would not be wasting our time arguing on dry throat. YOU empowered him on January 19, 2001. He took the “mandate” to speak for Ndiigbo and to change course as he deems fit. When he dumped the Igbo presidency project, what happened?
Nothing! But you Anambra people did not protest when he stoutly defended Governor Ngige against Godfather Chris Uba. Why should we? They told us it is a PDP family affair. Governor Kalu spoke for his party -- not for Anambra, not for Ndiigbo. Besides, we know that Peter Obi won the 4-19 election.
Okay, suddenly he is speaking for Ndiigbo again? He said so himself. He had said that 2007 is off the table -- as did Adolph Wabara. YOU applauded in Nashville.
I was not there for the jamboree. Ah ha, it is now a jamboree. I thought that is where you plan to show Orji Uzor pepper soup or is it isiewu Odabro?
Yes! No matter what, we shall show him pepper for this one. No mercy! How?
Wait until he shows up in New Jersey. Nothing will happen; this is America. The last time he came to New Jersey, the land did not open.
The last time it took only Attorney Charles Chikezie to make him leave the stage by the backdoor. And the Ikemba Ngwa didn’t even say a thing to the Igbere Ikemba. This time, we shall be many, we shall say a whole lot and to him, and there will be no backdoor exit. My friend, this is America. You know it, and I know it. Nothing will happen. Besides, within six months, this matter will be settled. A hero’s welcome will await him. I will be surprised if Governor Kalu has not called Chairman Kalu Kalu Diogu. I will be surprised if he had not called KKD and said: Ogboo, nwanne gi nta o mere gi gini?
What makes you think you know it all? If I tell you, you will walk past my house in silence on your way back from the beat. The important thing here is that Ndiigbo must set some rules and keep to them. Everyone must know the limits of power. The many talking heads must learn to speak for themselves, not Ndiigbo. It is only the Igbo that are collectively held responsible for the stupidity of their own. It has given every fool the right to speak up for Ndiigbo. It is about time the Igbo ignored these loose canons and make Nigerians know they are efulefu. It is about time Ndiigbo started to hold their own responsible for their own individual stupidity. We need to allow people ropes to hang themselves. If Umuofia could allow Okonkwo Unoka to make his exit so disgracefully, Ndiigbo can afford to allow Orji Uzor Kalu to catch the skunk and then deny him water with which to wash his dirty hands.
Now you are talking. Thank you very much. If we want to make this thing work, we must wait to hear from the apex body. In fact, if you ask me, I would want Ohanaeze to ignore the matter. The next time Orji Uzor comes to the table -- to which they allowed him to sit because someone had said his hands were clean-- they would tell him to go and wash his hand.
Hmm, that’s interesting. Many Igbo elders have become men of many words; all talk and no walk.
So please join me in the march and sing the new tune: #Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu, Orji Uzor aputa n’uzo ree nwanne-o! Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu; akpiri ego, Orji Uzor wee ree anyi! Ewoo, mu na nwanne m jere ogu, Orji Uzor aputa n’uzo ree nwanne-o! Gini ka anyi ga-eme ya, UmuBiafra?!# Sing, sing, Mr. Praise-Singer; sing to your hearts content. If I am to sing, I would probably choose Oliver de Coque: #Singer, you’re a born singer! Praise-singer-o, praise-singer: You’re a born singer!
Please yourself, but this is serious. #Ewoo, mu na Kalu jere…. # God knows which Kalu you are toasting or is it roasting. I will be here waiting for the new tune. The road to 2007 is still long, but Orji Uzor Kalu is still young. See you in 2005, my brother.
©MOE, 2003
See also: Orji Uzor Kalu, P.H.D.
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