KWENU: Our Culture, Our Future

Fighting flimflam frauds

Monday (Orie), June 24, 2002

The so-called “419ners” are pissing me off. Seriously. I am so mad I want to catch one of them and just give him or her four dirty slaps for smart stupidity. Huh? You read right: these guys are smart, no doubt about it; they are smart because their head muscles work overtime and because every second a sucker is born. How else do we explain the survivability of these flaming flimflam frauds!

Don’t get me wrong, these crazy criminals should be caged, especially the ones that make elaborate plans and prey on people’s base emotions. They got me once… well, nearly.

A phone call to my brother was intercepted. The caller was told that my brother was at a local hospital. Money was required. I was informed. I was not going to send money to a total stranger; instead, I sent it to another brother 50 miles away and asked him to check out the story.

Meanwhile, another brother 500 miles away in Lagos was contacted. Lo and behold, he had just got off the same phone number with the brother who was supposedly hospitalized! With the proliferation of cell phones, the frauds no longer wait for you to call: they will call you!

Recently, one cretin called my number with a cock-and-bull story to send money home because some nameless sister needed some dough. I decided to play his game just to burn his probably stolen GSM minutes. By the time he discovered that the fake “959-419-$#!@ Western Union number he kept getting from me and making a fool of himself at the local bank was a HUGE joke, he must have spent a handsome amount on phone bills and taxi fares.

Yes, I got my own back.

Then the flood of fake “Dr. (Mrs.)Miriam Abachas” exploded, each wanting to hide her late husband’s billions from President Olusegun Obasanjo, who was “persecuting our bereaved family.” By fax and by email, I no longer cared about such stories. It did not feel bad when co-workers talked about it. If anyone of them has money to burn, it is a free country: they should feel free to send the money to faceless strangers.

But how could Adamu, Emeka, Olu, Tosin, Osas, and company be sending similar letters to the same addresses day in and day out. I simply delete the nonsensical mails, but one has an ingenious plot. Religion. He was washed by the blood and Jesus and some money came his way. He wanted the cash out before the Sharia law dawned. But he could not make it out to USA! Could we meet in London to sign some papers? Yeah right!

It was so stupid a plot, but the shocking and sinister side of using the name of Jesus Christ was really troubling, since many people are still hooked on the opium that religion is. Only God knows what next these industries of imbecilic ideas will manufacture.

Recently, one such advance-fee fraud mail simply snapped the camel’s back, and I decided that I was not going to take it any longer. Under the subject “MY DEAR GOOD FRIEND,” the cretin who called himself or herself Joy Azikiwe [joy_azikiwe@mail.com] wrote (italicized quotes are verbatim):

I stopped. I couldn’t bring myself to continue reading the lies this imbecile was spewing and the irreverence to the Great Zik of Africa. Then again, I recalled the one with the name of Jesus Christ. I also remembered the many real life frauds masquerading as followers of Christ and duping people, even here in America, with their bogus ads on pages of newspapers and on television.

I shuddered. I read on. I will spare you the complete asinine imbecility of the supposedly graduate of a UK university, as claimed in the mail, and just give you the main points:

It stated that “then [when Zik passed] I was in the University in the United kingdom, and was 21 years old.” I read how “Before my father died, he told me a secret that nobody knows about”! ::::: “He bought a Land from somebody worth N100,000,000.00(US$10,000,000.00).” Land only! now “Unknown to my father that this land is rich in crude oil, he re-sold it to the initial owner for the total value of S$50,000,000.00.”

Duh!

Okay, you get the picture; they are all the same: crazy tales and a proposal too good to be true. So what does “Joy” want to enJOY? What does ‘she’ want? The request is simple:

“All I ask for, is your assistance in transferring this fund into your account.”

Now, let’s see if we can follow this cretin who writes to “my dear good friend,” but does not know the gender and further addressed it “to whom it may concern”! Here is the supposedly deranged “daughter” that does not know the Great Zik of Africa did not use “Chief (Dr.)” nor give his children Anglican names. Here is a pea-brain fraud who couldn’t respect the basic rules of written English telling us to believe that the Great Zik was “very wealthy and rich”? Wonders!

I decided to do something about it, and I did. Question: Is nothing sacred to twisted minds? How stupid can one be? Calling these cretins “animals” is to insult innocent creatures, our creation cousins. Even fools know that a daughter of Azikiwe won’t be so vile and stupid, except this disjointed “Joy,” of course.

Okay, if the legendary Zik is dead, how come he “IS a great politician”? If the Great One is gone to be with the other revered ancestors, as in “late,” is it not obvious that he was no longer the president? “I hu na ihe grammar na-eme mmadu,” as we say way back when in Motherland.

The number of these artists on the Internet has reduced by at least one. You see, unlike in the real world, footprints on Cyberspace are indelible If only the Nigerian police would wire itself, these cretins would have been history. Those who benefited immensely from advance-fee fraud have retired. The new wannabes are just walking the fast lanes of Daytona 500 scavenging while cars race.

Nigerians should not be offended any more, especially now that other nationals are doing it. On the contrary, Africans should go on the offensive. How? It takes two to tango. We must stop condemning only the fraudsters from across the Great Pond. On the contrary, Africans should turn it around and call it right: the REAL frauds are the takers. Anyone who would stake $50,000 or more for a share of $50 million loot or more deserves no mercy. S/he is a thief.

The Nigerian government since the Abacha days has made efforts to alert the world. The government did not have to lift a finger, but it went out of its way to warn everyone worldwide, took out expensive ads, and even double-punished convicted and deported frauds. Yet, people keep falling for the schemes.

Until American courts start reserving some blame for these corrupt get-rich-quick takers, 419 will continue to flourish. It is a crime to participate in a scheme to defraud a country. Those who follow the frauds back to Nigeria on a clearly fraudulent jamboree should equally be jailed over there. No mercy.

But there is 419 everywhere. I have been a victim of American 419… indirectly. A cousin in London asked me to remit $5:00 to a company in Nebraska for the purchase of a product advertised in London. A check of $5:00 was not going to make me poorer. I sent it. The check was cashed and returned, but the stuff never got to my cousin.

He sent out a money order. Down the pits. Then, I conducted an inquiry and discovered that the company did not exist and that no such product existed. Note that the many checks and money orders received were cashed in an American bank, and no one did a thing about it. Who knows, the imbeciles could still be out there defrauding people.

There are so many such frauds. Every month I get billed by some company for something I never bought. It takes forever to get it off. The cents in interest mount and no one knows how the credit card companies wangle the rates. Have you checked the mortgage bills lately? Are these guys the biggest 419ners walking or what. It got so bad with one credit card company I cancelled the credit line, since it won’t respect my wish not to take any telemarketing charges.

The card I have now has promised in writing never to honor any charge that was not card-swiped and signed by me. I understand they now give passwords or personal identification number (PIN) one can use in Cyberspace. I don’t know how safe they are. I need further explanations from the Cyberlords.

There are frauds all over the world. As long as there are people willing to push the envelope ever so close to the edge, we will continue to be potential victims. The difference is in policing the society.

So, brethren, do not hit yourselves on the head about frauds from abroad. There are more frauds in your abroad backyards. How many 419ners would it take to come close to the Swiss swindlers? How could banks in Europe open an account of one BILLION dollars for ONE man? A man who rules a country that owes European banks 28 BILLIONS? See what I mean? There are 419ners and there are 429ners – givers and takers.

Ten million 419ners will not come close to ENRON. A billion 419ners will not shred more papers than Arthur Anderson. Oh no. There are frauds and there are frauds. Heard of merry Merrill Lynch lately? It paid 100 million dollars and walked. Where is the money from? From the money it had creamed off African suckers… like the criminal thugs that run wild in Africa and who call themselves our leaders. Looters, we must call them.

The frauds come in many forms. Even when you least expect it. I no longer worry about the faxes and emails and phone calls and all the crappy schemes that merely irritate some and deeply hurt others. No, I am no longer mad at the idiocy of get-rich-quick schemes. They are all a reflection of the rotten core of a society from which they operate.

If you can do something about it, do; if not, just let the suckers spit out money in pursuit of oil money. I believe that these people once stole large sums of money from Nigeria. Unfortunately, the small fries didn’t know when to stop dreaming.

Apparently, the fools are still falling for the sleazy schemes and coughing up money to get rich quickly. Last year alone, over $300 million was lost to 419ners. Some are too ashamed to admit their foolishness and greed. Others try to concoct stories to get sympathy. They get none from me.

My point is that we should not rush to run our mouth when we read or hear of certain deeds that we don’t know the origin nor the end. We are always too quick to jump to conclusions. It is beginning to hurt us all as Africans. It is coming closer to a home near you, and we are all going to pay dearly for the sins of the sleazy sods. It is happening. We all suffer the nuisance of criminal-minded citizens condoned by a lackadaisical leadership of polluted politicians.

It is going round and everyone is going to get a bit of the action. Everyone in our community is going to get a bite of the rotten core.

Did you read about the Nigerian congressman from Zamfara State detained for over FOUR months in Saudi Arabia for allegedly trying to bribe prison officials yonder to release his jailed uncle. Nigeria is threatening action. Good. But compare with the Nigerian government: It defied a court order and “exported” a Nigerian who had never been to the States to stand trial in America! The Attorney General denied he was informed. The matter died. The Attorney General died too. Murdered in cold blood in his home! Yet, nothing happened. What would it take to see the light? More blood?

Now, here is a dully elected congressman languishing in a Saudi jail and Nigeria is still talking for four months and counting. America would have raised hell on earth from day one. You know why these things happen to us? “419 scam artists”! That’s why. It got so bad that now Secretary of State Collin Powell said it was “Nigerian culture”! Unless Africans this side of the Pond start calling it as it is, the general impression out there would be that every person that looks like you and me is a fraud.

Okay, you have your job, your nice house in the suburb, and drive a flashy car or two. Pray that no one drags you downtown for some decent money matter that went sour. You are a Nigerian. And a member of the jury was a victim of 419 fraud. You are cooked. Just like that.

That is the meat of the matter.

Nigerians and indeed all Africans should pray for 2003 to bring better leaders with vision of better Africa. Only in Africa would you find leaders who refuse to quit while the ovation is loudest. Only in Africa would you find geriatric Mugabes and Mois clinging to power. These people are the source of our problems. Fighting flaming flimflam frauds is futile and even fruitless. As long as there are suckers on earth and as long as there are people willing to gamble on dream, the “419” phenomenon will remain a part of our existence. Unfortunately, it is the small-town fries that get whacked; the big boys are untouchable.

It is ironic that the criminal code of a law designed specifically to punish advance-fee fraud has now become the code for the crime and a Nigerian nightmare.

Everything else is embellishment.