Destructive tendencies a.ka. "egwu mgbashiriko"

KWENU! Our culture, our future

THE IMPARTIAL OBSERVER

Destructive tendencies a.k.a. "Egwu Mgbashiriko"

Hank Eso

Friday, 16 April 2004

In this day and age of emails, you really never know what will pop up on your screen when you log on, besides SPAMS. But the thrill and joy of the Internet, of emails and instant messaging, is that you could well be on the fray of any animated debate and enjoy the goings-on, without actually being a participant or getting involved. When you do get involved it is out of choice and then, you should be ready for all-comers. Recently, on 12 April to be exact, an email popped up on my screen. This one, which was titled “Destructive Tendencies,” only reminded me of a piece I had read recently titled, “What do women want?” At first sight of the caption, a few possibilities of ‘destructive consequences’ ran through my mind, but the body text conveyed a different message. With due apologies to the authors, who remain unknown to me, I reproduce herewith the exchange in the email.

Here in America, our women are cultivating very destructive tendencies that are inconsistent with our family values. A wife who earns more challenges her husband's authority; a nursing license expands beyond caring for the sick to control of the family. This, my beloved mothers, wives and sisters, is not the Igbo way. We all wear pants, but it does not negate the hierarchy of our family structure.

-- Ken Okorie

And the response:

Our men folks should stop shamelessly asking for money from their spouses for matters in which their spouses are not part of. There should be joint decisions on matters affecting both immediate and remote family. Our men should remember, too, that once married, they have two families to maintain. They should also desist from any physical fights with their spouses. Finally, our men should get out and retrain, shoot for higher paying jobs, do two or more jobs and earn as much as they can to offset the dollar power of their spouses. The age of bullying spouses for the dollars they earn is over. Wake up guys. A family that pays its bills together is usually a happy family! Good luck guy.

-- Celestine Enere

These are really very heady issues, which are usually the preserve of sociologists and marriage counselors. But they also raise very troubling cultural questions: What is happening to the Igbo family – to the Igbo people? Finally, they highlight the horrible dilemma we face.

The entire exchange above reminded me of the lyric from two songs in the 1974 album by the Raphael Amarabem-led Peacocks Guitar Band of Owerri titled, Abriwa. Folks old enough would remember that classic, which also included Eddie Quansa, the theme song from the popular Nigerian Television sitcom, Masquerade, which had Chief Zebrudaya Okoroigwe Nwogbo alias 4.30 as its star character. The lyrics of the first song, Egwu Mgbashiriko, lampoon women who, against better judgment, go against Igbo norms and culture. Of the women, the song proclaims irreverently,

“Umunwaanyi --

Ufodu bu lawyer,

Ufodu bu doctor,

Ufodu bu nurse --

Ndi obobo akwukwo….

Umunwaanyi

Suru trouser

Shi nwoke adighi mma,

Ngwa nu ka anyi lewezie.

The lyric decries the ills and destructive tendencies of feminist extremism. Translated, the lyric warns of the attending chasm, noting that “… when some women -- some of them lawyers, doctors or nurses all well read -- don their trousers and declare that men are no good, then we can only watch and see what evolves.”

On the flip side of the album, the lyrics in another song titled, This Girl, parodies feminist proclivities. It states that

“Angelina amaala mma alu alu,

Dorothy, amaala mma alu alu,

Should in case a chowa onye ga-alu ya,

I am sorry, aka m adighi ya…"

Translated, the lyrics touts “Angelina is very pretty and worthy of marriage, and Dorothy is also very pretty and worthy of marriage.” But then goes on to warn, “Should in case, (in the event) there is a search for husband for the two ladies, I am sorry I wish to have no hands in it.” In a nutshell, the message was clearly, that being chic did not translate into being a potentially good wife.

On reading the Destructive Tendencies, exchange, I could not help but feel that life for Ndiigbo had in many ways come to a full circle in imitating art, more so the type of life presaged in the songs by Raphael Amarabem and co. This was by no means an easy point to acknowledge. As individuals, a family, nation, or society, it can be frightening to see and acknowledge our failures. Indeed, that is human nature.

Unquestionably, there has been a big clash of culture and civilization with the transplant of Igbo immigrants to the USA and, with them, the transplant of Igbo mores, norms, and culture. What was hitherto and still are the Igbo ways back in the motherland are being jettisoned here at great expense to families. The result is the breakdown of many Igbo families. In the matter of man-woman relations and especially in the institution of marriage, the custom was never that of boy-meet-girl and they fall in love and get married. Marriage was a binding construct and contract that brought two individuals, two families, and two clans together. It was the ties that , once consummated, bound far-flung strangers and towns. In other cases it was arranged or an “arrangee” by the families. Also in any marriage, as per Igbo customs and tradition, the position of the man as the head of the family has remained one of the best-attested facts of the Igbo humanity and history. However, it seems that the sterner stuff which deep relations are built on –submissiveness, acceptance, understanding, and being a good listener-- have eluded Ndiigbo in America.

These are really interesting times for the Igbo families sojourning in the United States and the state of their marriages. There is indeed a crisis of mega proportions going on. It starts on the basic premises of self-assertion, of claims to rights, until it surmounts the traditional expectation of a wife’s submissiveness to the husband. When that happens, as is often the case, there is a total meltdown and the family falls apart. In the end, the little pittance that is in contention ends up the pockets of lawyers’ representing both sides. The children in the marriage and long time friends pay the price as they are dragged into the messy face-off.

What is at the heart of the present crisis?

The latter-day “This is America,” “I have arrived,” and “I am in charge” feminism of our womenfolk is gnawing insidiously at the roots of the Igbo family values and culture. In many instances, it ends up exposing publicly the fissures between husbands and wives, which culminate in messy no-win divorces in which neither side gets what they really wanted. But these also happen due to lack of perseverance and bad counsel. Undoubtedly, “selfishness, indifference, faintheartedness, sloth, and long-standing bad habits have become discouraging obstacles to perseverance.” So too has transmigration.

Well beyond the engulfing Soap Opera mentality of many Igbo women, especially the younger ones, some have now added the Oxygen and Lifetime principles to their mentality and attitude when dealing with their spouses. The existing notion that an Igbo wife who “earn(s) more, challenges her husband's authority; a nursing license expands beyond caring for the sick to control of the family” is neither overstated, a frivolity, or an embellishment. This bane is not yet universal amongst Igbo women, but it is rampant and spreading like a cancer. The number of women who throw out their husbands, using the might of the American family law, or deny them visiting rights to their children are legion. Some of the stories one encounters are heart-rending. Some of these women all too soon forget how they earned their right of passage to come to America. This is not by any means to suggest that my fellow Igbo men, some who are renowned for spousal abuse, are not partly to blame for their fate. As the response above, admonishes, “The age of bullying spouses for the dollars they earn is over. Wake up guys.”

My taking sides on this issue will not only call into question my touted impartiality, but also will not resolve the larger problem and challenge facing our community. I recall that some nine years back, I was interviewed by an Igbo Catholic priest, who was alarmed and concerned enough to make the cascading problems of separation and divorces among Igbo families in America the center point of a doctoral dissertation. He knew the issues too well, having been called in frequently to mediate domestic conflicts.

I recall also that some years ago there was a well-publicized case of a Nigerian man who was languishing in jail in New Jersey over a child custody case, simply because his wife wanted to teach him a lesson while proving her point to the larger Igbo community. The man’s crime was that he had sent their daughter back home to Nigeria, out of concern that the child might become contaminated by her mother’s newfound feminism. It would, after many years, take the Essex County Superior Court appointment of Nigerian-born Attorney Francis Asokwu Sea, as the Master over the intractable case, for it to be resolved. Meanwhile, the man in question had lost his job, his home, all his belongings, safe for his dignity and the time-honored principle of being the head of his family. This particular case highlighted the increasing tendency of Igbo culture and norms running head-on into American laws. Or was it the other way round? Whatever the case, the reality was that Igbo culture or not, we are as sojourners bound by American laws, mores, and norms.

More recently, I received a call -- after almost two years of silence and being incommunicado -- from a Nigerian compatriot and acquaintance resident in St. Louis. On asking him about his reticence, he narrated another one of those God-forsaken stories that is now commonplace. He had been through a divorce in the intervening period and had been literally taken to the cleaners by his ex and her lawyers. He lost everything he had worked for including his only child. In the Igbo culture, that man, figuratively speaking, had been castrated and rendered impotent by his ex. That is the extent of the destructive tendencies of the inter-relations between our men folk and womenfolk, which the exchange above speaks to. There is a raging debate out there as the two positions show. But there is only one certainty – the tendency is destructive -- of our people, our families, and our culture.

There is nothing wrong in doing as the Romans do, when in Rome, or doing as the American do when in the U.S. of A. But that should pertain only to the good attributes worthy of emulation. America for all its greatness is a nation in crisis, when it comes to marriages, family values, and cohesion, and raising children. Excessive freedom breeds impertinence and effrontery. For Ndiigbo, such attribute in wives and children is unacceptable not even as a comeuppance. Put simply, these values in America have been torpedoed and are all in decline. Anyone who is looking for values to pick up, ought to look somewhere else in Europe, in Asia, and even in Africa. This is not a putdown of our host country. It is just calling it as I see it. Those who goad their fellow Igbo women to adopt an unrelenting and American-cultured in-your-face assertiveness are only architects of disasters in the making and accidents waiting to happen.

Like most Nigerians, I was immensely euphoric and proud when recently UConn coach Jim Calhoun called his All-American center, Nigerian-born Emeka Okafor, easily the best player to coach. Said Calhoun:

He's a fascinating human being. I just think that his unique ability could be taken to the White House, the Senate, Wall Street. He's going to be so successful that it's just really where he sets his mind to go. He can lockbox his life better than any person, not basketball player, that I've ever met. I haven't seen other people able to take things and put them into compartments as he has and then shut out almost everything else.

Clearly, Calhoun was not referring to Okafor’s skills as a player, but to his grounding as a person and his character – these are attributes acquired, no doubt, from his family and his rich Igbo heritage and culture. Emeka Okafor might be an American, but he is certainly not akata. He exhibits certain Igbo traits and characteristics that could only have rubbed off on him from his parents. I was heartened to learn that when NBA beckoned with its great lure of fame and cash, Emeka Okafor's parents, Pius and Celestina Okafor, said no, and instead stressed that academics should be Emeka’s first priority.

I have only used Emeka Okafor and his parents as exemplars. It needs to be acknowledged, however, that in some other instances and given different personalities, the story might have been different, and so too the results. More frequent than not, when the immigrant Igbo family collapses, it is the children that fall through the cracks. I recall a Nigerian, who is well plugged into the New Jersey social welfare system, once telling me about the growing number of Nigerian-American kids “within the foster care system.” Such realities ought to give us a pause about the destructive tendencies of our self-assertion, when wrongly premised.

I have heard it said, “Nigerian women in American compete endlessly and aimlessly.” That “they spend money they don’t have, tying to impress those they don’t like.” I know also that the fanfares that preoccupy our women and their single-minded focus on wealth acquisition are geared towards buying laces, brocades, and jewelry. Ironically, there is hardly any commensurate preoccupation with accruing life insurance for the family or making investments. This fixation about catching up with the mythical Joneses or Okoros has become a horrible Igbo dilemma. This also explains in part why Ndiigbo are continuously called to the point of fatigue to chip in and make donations for the repatriation of the remains of the deceased in their community.

As much as we may blame our womenfolk, we must also assign blame to our men where and when due. Very few Nigerian men will pull the stunts they pull with Igbo women with an African-American woman and not risk being put out on the street. Finding childcare help is one of the hard and expensive realities of living in America. So both men and women must share the task of babysitting. But some Igbo men deem the chore infradig and unmanly. And yet he won’t fork out the cash to pay someone to baby-sit his own child. This is a sore point and a recurring source of domestic conflict. Indeed, this is one of the issues that make Igbo women emulate certain American traits -- their thinking, always along the questioning line of: Will you pull this crap with an American woman? The answer rightly is "probably not." Hence, the vicious cycle grows, in which the end justifies the means. There is no gainsaying that some Igbo women are also copying the American feistiness and rudeness. They will, perhaps, benefit from this notion shared with me by a cosmopolitan British lady who is married to an American. She said, “The Americans are not necessarily rude by nature – they have just never been thought how to be polite.” A keen observation indeed; what about us?

In this day and age, the scarcity of nurses has opened doors for many immigrants, including Nigerians, to wade into the profession, which also pays very well. But this welcome development has not been without pitfalls. As it has also happened, as the earning power these Nigerian female nurses increase, so too has for some the bravado, feminism, loss of cultural sense, values, identity, as well as their overall sense of propriety. The advice that Nigerian men should in response “shoot for higher paying jobs, do two or more jobs and earn as much as they can to offset the dollar power of their spouses” is wholly legit, assuming it will solve the issue at hand. But this too is not without its attending irritants. I can foresee where the quest for such a competitive two-income balance could easily exacerbate an already tense situation, and soon enough create its own nuisance and dichotomies.

Perhaps, what has been thoroughly missing in dealing this vexatious issue is an acute reasoning and prognosis by Igbo women of the need to take into account their long-term situation vis-à-vis the African-American women. Whilst both cadres of women now reside in America, they have different constituencies and antecedents. The sociological standing of the African-American woman is deeply rooted in the Black-American psyche, history, and vestiges of the residual impact of slavery, as well as the overall effort of the Eurocentric establishment to keep the Black-American male down. Hence, the everyday approach to life and ethereal issues are approached from the survivalist perspective. Unfortunately, some Black women have carried this defensive mechanism way too far and still fail to understand why some successful Black American men scamper off to marry women from other races. They consistently fail to see also how by their disposition they have unwittingly become accomplices in entrenching the instability in the Black-American family. Some Igbo women are set to follow suit. For now, their fate is quite different from that of the African-American woman, but not for too long.

Many years ago, when a woman left her matrimonial home back home and returned unaccompanied to her father’s house, she was promptly advised by her parents to retrace her footsteps. If there was a problem or a quarrel, she was advised to send for her family. Only if she came home to seek shelter, and there were visible scars from physical assault, would she be allowed to remain; she would eventually be escorted back by some youths and a few elders, who would then intervene in whatever the matter was. In most cases, her spouse would even come for her during the intervening period. The case is now quite the reverse of Igbo women in the USA. What some of them grossly overlook is that an Igbo woman, who becomes the single-mother and head of family out of choice, rather than out of natural attrition or an unfortunate accident of her spouse’s demise, surely thumbs her nose in the long run.

Whereas, it may not really be a man’s world anymore, but a divorced Igbo mother who carries with her the liabilities of having children and the reputation of having chucked out her former husband is destined to be perpetually unmarried; she may well be a doctor, a scientist, a lawyer, or a nurse. Think of it, an Igbo man who was crass enough not to care for his own wife and children when he was married is very unlikely to inherit another man’s ex-wife and her liabilities all in the name of love. Likewise, an Igbo woman who was materialistic enough to put out her indigent husband on the streets, so that she could keep her hard-earned dollars to herself, is not likely to trade one yoke of a bum for another.

Life does mockingly imitate art and the Igbo woman, unfortunately, has not totally escaped this actuality. Life, be it that of the rich or plebian citizen, will always come to a full circle at some point. The “had I known” regret also comes much, much too late and long after the horse has bolted from the ban. An Igbo idiom calls on all those with ears to hear. After all, no one tells the deaf that the war has started. As Sunny Ade’s song once warned us all, Esi mi Rascality. Let’s stop mortgaging our Igbo heritage with the ongoing rascality and these destructive tendencies. More importantly, let our women gyrate and dance to Egwu Mgbashiriko, if they must. But they should avoid becoming those for whom the bell tolls or, in this case, the very ones for whom Egwu Mgbashiriko becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

Until next week, keep the law, stay impartial, and observe closely.

_______

Hank Eso, is a columnist for Kwenu.com. Since 1982 his political commentaries on Nigerian politics and global issues have appeared in The New Times (Lagos), African Profile International (New York), and The Nigerian And Africa Abroad. (New York).

Email: hankeso@aol.com