KWENU: Our Culture, Our Future

Nigerian kills wife: A rejoinder

Ejike Eze, Ph.D.

ejikeeze@cantab.net

Good Friday, April 14, 2005

I am not a big eat-out kind of guy. But occasionally I emerge from my cocoon to hang out with the guys. On one such day, less than a year ago, I sat in a Nigerian restaurant with a friend who was new in the Boston area. And as I nursed my soda and patiently waited for my egwusi soup to be served, I passively listened to a raucous conversation going on at the table next to ours. It was not long before the topic of the conversation overtook our idle banter and compelled us to pay more attention. Then it became painfully clear to us that the topic of discussion was another case of extreme domestic violence involving another Nigerian family. That too had resulted in homicide. As I listened further, I expected to hear expressions of shock and outrage at such an act. None was forthcoming, at least not from the people at that table. Instead, I observed a mishmash of emotions --  desperation, frustration, and rage. All the people at that table were men, Nigerian men.

I left the restaurant that evening with some trepidation. I feared that if the sentiments that I overhead at that table that night were shared by even a tiny percentage of our population in the Diaspora, then the Nigerian marriage was in far more trouble than I had envisaged and that the particular incident under discussion that day would not be the last we would hear of. Acho Orabuchi’s account of the gory details of the events unfolding in Texas lends credence to that fear (See Nigerian kills wife in America, http://www.kwenu.com/publications/orabuchi/2006/14nigerian_killswife.htm).

One would have to possess a crystal ball to be able to fathom how his or her marriage would pan out. For some people, their spouses are their best friends and life is a bed of roses. Such marriages approximate nirvana and can be said to be rare. At the other polar end are the people for whom marriage is bondage, and whose situations can best be characterized as “sleeping with the enemy.” Every day is a struggle and a day without acrimony is said to be a good one. Such marriages are not uncommon.

But my impression is that most marriages fall in the middle, somewhere between the bed of roses and conjugal dissonance. Nonetheless, the one thing that all three groups have in common is that the participants in all three nuptial dramas had that initial desire to find the best spouse and to have a happy marriage. I have not come across anyone, man or woman, who set out in that journey desiring otherwise. I am certain that if either of the parties involved in this latest tragedy had a peek into the future, neither would have said “I do.”  This is not one of those circumstances when one can be said to be the “architect of his or her own misfortune.”

There is no magic formula for selecting the right spouse. In Igbo culture, a lot of care is taken in handpicking the right bride or the right groom. Families spend time and money digging into the backgrounds and family histories of the potential brides or suitors, as the case may be. While physical attraction is a factor in picking a spouse, the emphasis is usually on conduct. So if that much precaution was taken upfront, why are so many marriages failing, especially in the Diaspora?

I could join everyone in hazarding guesses on this. Maybe it is because men and women get into marriage long before they are ready. Maybe it is the societal pressure as other writers have alluded to. And maybe it is attributable to lack of communication, disappearance of love, the stress of living abroad, not spending enough time with family, greed, the struggle for supremacy. It could even be a combination of these and other factors. I do not have an answer to this question. But I know someone who does. His name is Jesus. And he charges us to be our brother’s keepers.

I sense that you did not see that one coming. You did not expect that this write-up is going to abruptly take a religious detour. But if you indulge me for a second, I would like to put on my preacher’s hat and explain why He is the panacea for troubled marriages.

The word of God is replete with instructions on how we must live, not only so we make heaven, but so we live well on earth also. The bible also specifies the responsibilities for the husband as well as for the wife. Part of our problem is that we have lost sight of what our responsibilities are. The book of Ephesians is clear on some of these responsibilities. It charges wives to be mindful of the fact that the husband is the head of the family and to submit to his authority. At the same time, it charges men to love their wives as Christ loves the church and also as their own bodies, because he who loves his wife loves himself. (See Ephesians: 5:22-28).

Each of these is a tall order. However, if we take cognizance of them, our lives would be greatly improved. Marriage is a beautiful thing that God has given to us. And as one of my best friends would frequently quote, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). It is a shame that we should let this beautiful gift slip through our fingers. Solomon was wise when he said: “Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life… (Ecclesiastes 9:9). Let us do just that. There are very few things that are important in life. Close relationships with our families and with God are high up there on that list.

Enough of this violence against ourselves already.

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Dr. Eze is drawing the favor of God in Boston, MA

@kwenu.com, 2006