Do women really know what they want from men?
ACHO ORABUCHI
Dallas, Texas
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
While the nomenclature of relationships is not within the purview of this story, in the Diaspora, however, relationships, especially monogamous ones, are under immense pressure or stress either because of the environmental factors or other unique circumstances. No matter what the circumstances are, it is often more convenient to abandon a stressful or tumultuous relationship than to painfully go through the agonizing years of resolving the inherent protracted problems. In some cases, some people are just hanging in there for the kids in a relationship that has long ended.
The foundation for male-female relationship was prefaced in Genesis, especial in Genesis 1:27-28 which said, “God … created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number …” Further insight on the foundation of male-female relationship could be found in Genesis 2:24-25. Also, it could be deduced that relationships are meant to be joyful, less stressful, and without acrimony.
However, the stress in some of these relationships is exacerbated by the absence of clear communication and understanding of each other. Because of a perceived notion that the man does not understand, care, or respect his partner, the problems in these relationships inevitably grow strong wings and soar unrelentingly until the catastrophic mid air collision. Sometimes, leaving the debris and walking away may appear a viable option. Perhaps, picking up the pieces from the ruins may seem more painful than the initial collision. The pain and simmering anger may be more excruciating with each reflective moment of the old. This is all about deciphering the emotional construct of a woman.
Some people feel that the stress in male-female relationships could be reduced if men have the knowledge of what the women want. The only caveat is, do women really know what they want from men? To paraphrase a colleague in a casual conversation where he was talking about inherent inconsistencies in human. He said that his ex-fiancée wanted him to be the leader of the household, but she never gave him the opportunity to lead; she did not allow him to lead. He continued by saying that she took the power to provide the desired leadership away from him.
Dr. M. O. Ene first published an article on http://www.kwenu.com on March 2004 entitled, “What do women want?” In his article, his wife gave him an insight to the question. With that assistance, he proffered listening and learning as what women want from men. However, Ene went on to conclude that probably men are impatient to listen and learn.
Prompted by M.O. Ene’s article, Adaoma Carolyn proffered some answers in her rejoinder published on http://www.kwenu.com on April 15, 2004 and entitled, “What do women want? Thank you for asking.” Without mincing words, Adaoma Carolyn said women want respect and men who will take care of business. Using Aretha Franklin’s lyrics, Adaoma Carolyn amplified the concept of “taking care of business” with the following: “You know, the business of being a leader, lover, husband, father, friend, provider, and teacher…. "taking care of business." Yes, women want that from men.”
I proceeded to pose some questions to some ladies about what they want from men. The common thread in their responses was respect and recognition. The commonality stopped there. One could deduce that women have varying concept of respect and recognition.
What do women really want from men?
In her response to what women really want from men, Mrs. Florence Anwukah opined, “Women deserve respect, recognition for being such wonderful wives, mothers, homemakers, work full time to help support their families. Women demand to be recognized by our men.”
She continued, “Respect to me is somebody listening when you're talking, acknowledging your point of view without agreeing to it. Just treat you as he would like to be treated. Don't yell, caution or scold you in public. Recognition is showing appreciation such as remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and candle light dinner once a month, and other things we take for granted. Life as we know it is too short, we might as well live it to the fullest.”
Similarly,
Mrs. Felicia Mbanaja-Hadjesmaili unapologetically pointed, “If you ask
me, I think what women need from men is simply RESPECT—an acknowledgment that we
are very important and instrumental in their everyday life. Respect in the sense
that in a family setting, decision-making has to be a joint process. We do not
want to always assume the back seat, or have our ideas or reasoning towards
resolutions on issues affecting the entire family to be thrown out the window,
like we do not have brains to think rationally. Remember respect is always
reciprocal. We also want to be shown LOVE AND TENDERNESS. The HONEYMOON does not
have to be over because we now have children or because we have gotten older or
even gained some weight due to the changes we go through after carrying several
babies for uncountable months.”
Secularly speaking, no one has the elixir, including the women themselves, for unlocking the mystery behind the emotional state of women at any given period. There is even an old cliché that says that if one wants to live happily with his wife, that individual has to employ only one eye, instead of two eyes, to view things in the relationship.
Though I am neither a marriage counselor nor a monogamous relationship expert, yet based on experience, I have some knowledge of minutiae in a monogamous relationship.
It is understandable that a woman’s emotional state is dynamic, particularly when it comes to expressing her needs. This phenomenon makes it difficult to sometimes accurately discern or ascertain her immediate needs based on cues. A woman’s needs keep changing continuously. Women are frustrated that men could not understand their needs in any given period. Men are even more frustrated with lack of understanding or predictability of women’s needs based on the known cues. The same cue may signal totally different needs.
On the other hand, men are not as intuitive as women. As result, men may not know what women want or need at a given time. Sadly, they may never tell us since it is expected that we should have known. Our psychological makeup, predisposition, and perspectives on things, especially on things men consider minor, are starkly different. These, among other variables, account for how differently men and women view, receive, analyze, conceptualize, and internalize things.
To the ladies, nothing is trifle or insignificant; as a result, men should take note. In order to have a fun relationship with your partner, men must find a way to let ladies think they are having their way; and let them have their way.
Most often, humans operate in the secular realm. If we could delve into the spiritual ream, our perspective of our roles and responsibilities in a relationship would be entirely different no matter the circumstances. Evaluating and understanding a monogamous relationship in the spiritual realm are simple and less complex if only we would adhere to what the scriptures say. I Corinthians 7:1-5 says, “... It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time.” Also, the expected behavior of spouses is succinctly spelled out in Ephesians 5:22-23 “Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of the Savior… Husbands love your wives…”
Both men and women should find answers to their relationship problems in the Bible. For instance, Paul, speaking to the church in Corinthians about various gifts, said about love in I Corinthians 13:1-8, “…If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Still on what do women really want from men, Florence Chioma Emedom wrote, “Dear Acho, … Honestly, you will agree that this is not an easy question. For sure you should be getting as many answers as we have women in the whole world. This is because every woman will approach this issue differently based on her background and training. In today's world of materialism, lust, covetousness, deceit and all other vices and tendencies, it will not be surprising to get answers such as the following: 1.Women need men for their money. 2. Women need men who can give them all the luxuries that make life sweet. 3. Women need men with macho muscles who can protect them from trespassers on their persons, etc. These answers speak volumes. Since no one woman can give all the answers to what women want, I will briefly restrict myself to my own perspective of the question; I want to assume that by men and women, we mean matured relationships, especially that of marriage.”
She continued eloquently, “I strongly believe that the least a woman can expect from her man is love. This is the basis of all true relationships. Love should be the foundation of all expectations of every woman. Any man who truly loves his woman will be attached to her in spirit and in person. True love will multiply to other expectations like Understanding, Trust, Endurance, Adoration, etc. If GOD permits it, and the man is blessed in richness, then the expectations of big cars, heavy mansions, costly clothes, watches will not be out of the way. Otherwise no sane woman will expect the impossible from her man, and possibly drag him into acts detrimental to the respect and integrity of the family. A real woman should be a virtuous woman. She should rather think about what she will do to make her man happy than to pressurize him with high expectations that may not be tenable given their circumstances.”
Summarizing the crux of a true relationship, “A woman should give her man anything within her powers including her body without reservations or restraint. This is the only valid basis of reciprocal expectations. This is because our world is one of give and take. The more you give the more you should expect in riches and glory from GOD and your MAN. Just like a former American president said, "Think not of what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country." This statement forms the basis of valid expectations of people from government in today’s democracy. It should rightfully form the basis of what a woman would want from her man,” Florence Chioma Emedom concluded.